Week 25

I'm starting to wonder when I will have anything good to say about this pregnancy? I know it can be a self fulfilling prophecy to be down in the dumps if you let yourself, and I really am trying to pick myself up, but I'm finding things hard.

On Sunday we took a very bored little boy to the local city farm. It was bitterly cold, very windy and non of us were much in the mood for walking round in such bad weather. Stefan was crying, I was nearly crying and Darren was holding it together for all of us. I was tired and lifeless and was finding every step an effort. A crying child when you are over tired and in pain is very difficult to cope with. How I kept the tears back, I'll not know.

Our saving grace that day was Stefan's Grandma and Grandad. They came to meet us at the farm and we all seemed to perk up after their arrival. After tea and cake in the cafe we headed home and put Stefan to bed for a nap, and had some lunch. I felt much better having them around to distract me from my feelings. (I won't mention that I was told my hair was dull and I'm not 'glowing' in this pregnancy like I was with Stefan and how bringing up children isn't hard at all? As if I'm not fed-up enough.....anyway.....)


Monday turned out to be a lovely day. The sun was up in the morning, so I decided to put Stefan in the buggy and walk to the Toddler group at the Watershed. Took me a good while with my achy pelvis, but the fresh air did us both good. Stefan played all morning with the other children and was really a happy little boy. He ate all of his lunch, and had a good two hours sleep afterwards. We did a bit of shopping in the afternoon, the three of us ate our tea together (Darren was home on time and I had prepared a Shepherds Pie while Stefan was asleep during the day) - which was nice, Stefan enjoyed his bedtime bath and was asleep for 7pm. No fuss, no crying, no whining - ALL DAY.

I've been thinking a lot about the elective ceaserean. I'm not sure I've made the right decision. Then I am sure. Then I'm not again. I'm worried about the after effects and my recovery time and having the operation itself. On the other hand, if I'm honest, I'm frightened to death of giving birth the natural way, even though I know I will recover much more quickly. Why have I decided to have major abdominal surgery over something which my body is made for and can handle and I have a 60-70% chance of delivering this baby myself? Maybe I'll change my mind, and let things happen as they will. Then again, maybe not.

I'm at real odds with myself and my mind changes everyday. Just don't know what to do?